Responsibility and Choice are the Most Important Concepts of Anger Management

One of the most important concepts to understand in anger management is around responsibility and choice. No-one tells you to shout, swear, throw things, scream, push them, hit them or be violent. It is in fact you who chooses to do these things ... and they all constitute abuse. If this is so, then there is little justification in saying excuses such as she made me do it or it was his fault. Nobody deserves to be abused by another. This can be turned around to read "I have the right to be safe and not be abused by anyone". This is a basic human right and every person has this right.

Most adult anger is about expectations and values not being met. We build up strong belief systems of how things should be or should not be and then expect others to behave in ways that we deem best. Expectations can be realistic (I expect you to be faithful to me in marriage) or unrealistic (I expect you to keep a perfect house all the time. I expect you to let me indulge in my addictions such as alcohol or shopping.) The shoulds are the irrational ways we make our self and others crazy by insisting that small, insubstantial things be our way.

Make a list of the things that often set off your anger (for example, running late for an appointment and not being able to find a car park, your teenager leaving dirty dishes in the sink or a co-worker blaming you for something you didn't do). If you know ahead of time what makes you angry, you may be able to avoid these things or do something different when they happen.

Every time you feel angry with another person, you can either express your feelings, which triggers a reaction in the other person, or not express your anger, which will then build up inside you until eventually you explode. You are in conflict with that person (holding onto grudges) and will remain so until you can resolve matters with them. If this is not done (i.e. resolution is not reached) it is likely that you will remain resentful or hostile towards them. This serves no-one and only keeps your anger alive. Often when it comes to expressing our anger to others, there is fear about how to express it in such a way that it is clean, healing and empowering for both ourselves and others.

Have a look at http://www.cureangermanagement.com for more information.

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