The Dreadful Word: NO

by Lori Radun, CEC

Many moms have a hard time learning the essential art of saying no. It is such a struggle that Mary M. Byers has devoted an entire book, "How to Say No and Live to Tell About It", and has branded herself as "The No Queen". Sometime between the age of two, when no was our only vocabulary, and becoming an adult woman, we have forgotten the importance of saying no. Perhaps the words of our parents, "You don't tell me NO", has stuck with us and the shame and guilt we feel from asserting our needs and independence lingers on.

Sometimes it is important to say no. Saying no is the equivalent to setting a boundary in your life or telling the truth about who you are. Look at the following examples and reflect on how saying no is essential to fully loving yourself and other people.

" I'm going to say no to that invitation because I have too many other things going on this week.
" No, you may not speak to me that way. Now, please go to your room.
" No, I'm sorry, but I'm not in the mood for sex tonight.
" I'm saying no to that big piece of cake because I want to lose weight.
" No, I cannot accept that promotion because it requires too much travel.

Saying no enables us to protect what is most important to us. It gives us the freedom to make the right choices for our lives. When we can't say no, we find ourselves in situations we don't want to be in. Life becomes full of situations and people that create dissatisfaction.

When to Say No

You should say no when you don't like something. For example, if you are asked to volunteer at school by doing paperwork, and you hate administrative tasks, then you should say no. Instead, volunteer to do something that better fits what you like to do. When a friend invites you to see a movie you would rather not see, speak up and suggest a different movie.

Often times our uncomfortable feelings can be a sign that we need to say no. Your intuition may be sending you red flags that should not be ignored. How many times have your children asked to do something that just did not feel right to you? In these moments, we have a choice to trust our gut and say no, or give in to what makes our children happy.

Has a loved one ever spoken to you in a disrespectful manner while you just stood there and listened to them? When someone steps over your boundary, it is essential to say no. This tells people that you value yourself and will not allow people to mistreat you.

Sometimes we are the ones mistreating ourselves. Maybe you engage in negative self talk or make choices that are damaging to your health. It is critical at this time to practice saying no.

Saying no enables you to protect your time. I recently spoke with a mom who felt guilty because she wasn't spending enough time with her children. She admitted her life was too overbooked with volunteer activities. She needed to say no to things that were occupying her time so she could spend her time doing what she really wanted to do.

Sometimes we need to say no when it's the best choice for someone else. We regularly need to say no to our children because they don't always know what is best for them. They do not have the wisdom or the emotional maturity to make all the decisions for their lives. Even adults need to hear no at times. While it may be an extreme example, consider the alcoholic that wants to borrow money to fulfill his addiction or compensate for his lack of responsibility. By learning to say no, we are stopping the process of enabling.

When your values are being challenged, you should say no. A friend of mine recently quit her job because the owner of the company was unethical. Choosing to say no to a lie may honor your need to be honest. Saying no enables you to live a life that is in integrity with what is most important to you.

What do you need to say "no" to today?